Flashing red lights

I'm a bit worried about my mental health.  This is what I posted on the forums for my favorite MUD, Achaea:

♥♥ Achaea ♥♥

I left once for a variety of reasons from grounding to guilt. None of them, in the end, could keep me safe from Achaea. I got myself busy and tried to immerse myself in RL and find something to fill in the gaping hole it left in my life. I tried not to look back.

But somewhere down the road, you always look back. Once I looked back, it was over. I'd find myself going to the website just to stare at the PLAY NOW button, I'd linger in my writing folder and wish I hadn't deleted all my old logs and other material, and overall just moon over Achaea until I couldn't handle it anymore.

And here I am, more obsessed and addicted than ever. XD Seriously, there's just something Achaea fills that nothing else has managed to substitute for. I feel empty without it, like I might as well just stop living if life-without-Achaea is all there is to life.

This is what a fellow Achaean turned my post into:

♥♥ Crack ♥♥

I stopped smoking crack once for a variety of reasons from grounding to guilt. None of them, in the end, could keep me safe from crack. I got myself busy and tried to immerse myself in RL and find something to fill in the gaping hole it left in my life. I tried not to look back.

But somewhere down the road, you always look back. Once I looked back, it was over. I'd find myself going to the corner just to stare at the crack dealers, I'd linger in my room and wish I hadn't thrown my pipe and other material away, and overall just moon over crack until I couldn't handle it anymore.

And here I am, more obsessed and addicted than ever. XD Seriously, there's just something crack fills that nothing else has managed to substitute for. I feel empty without it, like I might as well just stop living if life-without-crack is all there is to life.

There's a problem going on here.  But I can't take back a thing I said about Achaea... maybe it's because so much in my life is shifting, that I need something constant and sure, concrete and always there.

I don't know who I am, these days.  My entire understanding of who I am and what I want from life has been severely shaken in the month and a half since I began college.  I no longer know what I want to study, what I want to be, what I want to do.  Everything that defined me for eighteen years is crumbling; things I've known about myself forever are suddenly no longer true.

It can't be healthy, but lately Achaea is about the only thing I really know I love to do.  Maybe the real things I like to do have been too far repressed by the things I must do, or maybe my mind is just twisted.  Whatever the case, I have a lot to think through the next few days...